Thursday, October 31, 2013

Happy Halloween

From all of us here at DoH reviewed (all of us? This is a one man operation, and I'm not even very good at it...), have a safe and happy Halloween, All Hallow's Eve, or Hallowe'en! Updates resume Saturday, November 2!
And yes, they are technically Star Wars Jedi Ghosts, but those are the only kinds of ghosts I can make.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Hey guys. I've been dealing with some pretty bad depression as of late, not to mention my hard drive dying on me. I apologize for the lack of updates, and I fully intend to get back on the horse ASAP. Thank you for your patience.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Season 2, Episode 4: “The Meeting” – Originally Aired 10-12-1979

In which Boss gets an offer he can’t refuse, but I really wish he would have…

Okay, here we go. Bo and Luke are driving along, only to be stopped by a crapload of sheep in the road. Bo mutters something about having never seen such hairy pigs, which is probably supposed to be funny, but it just makes him seem ignorant. Come on, Bo, you grew up and continue to live on a farm, surely you know the difference.


Meanwhile, Rosco lays in wait to catch them speeding with his new super fancy radar gun. He clocks them at 1/2 mile over the limit, and decides to try and ticket them, because he’s an asshole.


At the Boars Nest, Boss takes a meeting with an old acquaintance, Black Jack Bender, whom he knows from back in his moonshiner days. This guy keeps calling Boss “Curly,” and I can’t decide if it’s a play on the fact that he’s bald, or a Three Stooges reference.


So the chase ends with Rosco’s car almost completely submerged in the water, and he’s soaked through.with no Jedi kid or weird-speaking Muppet to help get him out, either.
Boss and Bender are eating lunch, and Bender is catching Boss up on what he does now, as he apparently got out of the mob scene some time ago. He refers to himself as “the purveyor of recreational paraphernalia to the younger generation,” to which my first thought was “Holy shit, he’s selling bongs and crack pipes!” but then he clarifies that he’s in the toy business. He then tells Boss that he needs a place where he and his associates can meet to discuss his new toy design, fearing industrial spies, and offering $10,000 for Boss’s trouble. Boss says “fuck yes!” and offers up the county jailhouse.

Bo and Luke continue their driving, and come across Bender and his gang stalled out on the side of the road, or rather, they see this as they pass over mid jump.


Bender, impressed with the boys’ driving, offers them $100 to take him to the jail, and Luke stays behind to help fix the car. Back in town, Bo, Luke and Cooter watch as a bunch of limousines pull up to the jail, and a bunch of guys who look suspiciously like gangsters get out.


Boss is paying Cooter to store the limos overnight, and, after parking one, decides to root around inside, because why not? He finds a gun, and tells Bo and Luke, who proceed to PUT THEIR HANDS ALL OVER IT.


So, not content to let sleeping dogs lie, they search through the other cars and find a whole bunch more guns. For some reason, they get Daisy and Uncle Jesse over there to come have a look, and then they all decide that they should butt in and put a stop to whatever shenanigans are afoot. Why they feel the need to do this is beyond me, and they don’t offer up any real reason to, other than some half-hearted “those guns are illegal and people could get hurt” talk from Jesse.

Inside the police station, a much less interesting version of a scene from The Godfather takes place, during which the gathered crime bosses bitch about their sons taking control and phasing them out of their respective businesses. Daisy tries to get inside, claiming to be Cletus’s girlfriend, but the guy at the door says he’s out to breakfast, and shoos her away. I bet he didn’t believe her story for a second; like Cletus could ever get with Daisy.

At the Boars Nest, Bo and Luke start a fight with each other in an attempt to get arrested, and when Rosco tries to break it up, Bo punches Rosco in the face!


Rosco is understandably upset, and makes to arrest them, but Boss comes in and tells Rosco to forget about it, and says the jail is being fumigated. He then tells Daisy to send a bunch of meals over to the jail, specifically meals of catfish and champagne, which is the worst combination I’ve heard of since Nuts and Gum.


So, Daisy and Cooter deliver the food to the jail, with Bo and Luke hidden under the tablecloths covering the carts. Once inside, they blow their cover by MOVING THE CARTS ALONG WITH THEIR HANDS. Oh my god, you guys, this is ridiculous.


After some arguing, Bender gives Bo the kiss of death, and they are shuffled out the door to what they presume to be their demise. Cooter tows their limo away, and craziness ensues, and Bo and Luke get away, climbing up onto the roof of a building and eventually getting to Cooter’s Garage. Inside, they use the phone to try and get ahold of the FBI. They hear an explosion and run over to the phone company, which has been hit by the mob so they can’t contact the feds.

Meanwhile, the boys have gotten the General back and are being pursued by some of the goons, while Bender keeps track of everything via a map and…I don’t know, matchbox cars pinned to the map? Why wouldn’t they just use regular pins? And where did they get the little General Lee replica?


Boss reminds Bender about owing him the other half of the $10,000, saying he doesn’t want them to feel bad for welshing, and they get all upset, rushing forward in unison like an old time comedy bit. Is welshing derived from Welsh people, and is it some sort of stereotype that they don’t pay their debts? I’ve never heard of it if that’s true.


The boys meet up with Jesse, Daisy, and Cooter and make a plan, which basically boils down to Daisy causing a distraction by pretending to skinny dip, and the pervs keeping watch will go look instead of doing their job.


When they go to peep, Daisy runs back, fully clothed, and Cooter runs down by the pond brandishing a board, which I’m assuming he uses to beat the henchmen to death.


After some more antics, all the henchmen are rounded up, and Uncle Jesse moves in to take care of the leaders. Way to have an old man fight your battles that you instigated for no reason, Bo and Luke! Everyone takes off to follow Jesse, who they presume is leading them to the boys. There’s more car chases, including another Duke specialty of chasing everyone around in a circle!

Eventually, there’s a standoff in the jailhouse, and the mob guys argue over the best way to kill Bo and Luke, and Cletus drops a net on them! Why was there a net hanging in the jailhouse?


So, the mob guys all get arrested and the episode is finally over! Jesus Christ, you guys, this was terrible.  I don’t know how many more of these sub-standard, even by Dukes of Hazzard measure, I can take. But hey, next week is about stolen TVs, so I should be able to mine some yucks out of that, right?

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Season 2, Episode 3: “The Rustlers” – Originally Aired 10-03-1979

In which there's horse racing, and my interest in the episode is pretty minimal...

The Duke boys, (with Uncle Jesse in tow) are driving along, singing “Amazing Grace” at the top of their lungs. Well, Luke and Jesse are. Bo just looks sort of amused.
Rosco and Enos are tailing them, as Rosco is convinced the Dukes are transporting a bunch of mash, and are therefore making moonshine. Now, there’s just some bags of stuff in the back of the General Lee, and the internet tells me that mash is a mixture of water, yeast, corn, and sugar. Wouldn’t mash be very difficult to transport in a bag, and much easier in a bucket or something?

So the Dukes get to a farm, owned by a guy named Tolliver, who has both a hot daughter and a pretty pronounced stutter. Jesse bitches about transporting what turns out to be horse feed in the General Lee, and points out that they have a perfectly good pickup truck. Good for you, Jesse.
Jesse mentions that Tolliver wanted them to see something, something he called “a miracle.” I was really hoping it’d be a Fatima situation, or at least one of those bogus everyday miracles like a sunrise, but no, it’s just some dumb horse.
Tolliver explains that he’s planning on entering the horse, named Manassas, in the annual horse race sponsored by Boss’ wife Lulu at the fair every year. Everyone else is like “That idea is stupid, and you’re stupid for having it!” To shut them up, Tolliver suggests they race the car against the horse, using the speedometer as a gauge of the horse’s speed. The horse clocks in at 40mph, which is apparently fast. After this, Jesse reluctantly agrees to put up half the entry fee to enter the horse.
At the Boar’s Nest, Boss is in the phone with Lulu, assuring her their horse will win the race, as he is buying a “sure thing” horse from a Mr. Dunlap that very moment. Rosco bursts in and tells Boss about the Tolliver’s horse. Boss shoos the horse guy out of the office, and  as Dunlap leaves, he puts a decorative pig statue on top of the CB radio’s talk button, so he’ll be able to hear their conversation from in his car.

So, everyone heads up to the Tolliver farm, where Rosco’s sirens spook the horse, which causes him to run off, and Bo has to hop on a different, presumably shittier, horse to save her. He does so, and Dunlap and his crony see how fast Manassas can go, and resolve to steal the horse as soon as possible. Boss, having seen as well, wants to do a real time trial on a real track, and, if everything turns out okay, he’ll forgive Tolliver’s back mortgage pay, and pay for his entry in the race! The Dukes agree to keep the horse at their place overnight until the time trial the next day, which is weird, because even though Boss says the Tolliver place is falling apart, the damn horse has been living there all its life, I doubt one more night would hurt it, really. But anyway, plot moving forward!

Boss contrives a bait and switch plan in which Cletus, driving erratically, nearly runs into the Dukes while transporting Manassas, and Molotov cocktails his flipped car. Then, while they are checking on him, Rosco switches out Manassas with a different horse.


At the time trials, the Tollivers are all “What the fuck? This is not my horse!” Bo and Luke are as shocked as anyone, but Boss has them arrested for rustling. During the arrest, Luke somehow manages to cuff Boss and Enos together, and they get away, just like they always do.

Back at the farm, everyone (and Cooter!) sits around eating watermelon and discussing the situation. Cooter tells them that Tolliver isn’t too upset with them, as he knows they didn’t steal the horse. They deduce that Boss is probably keeping the horse nearby, and resolve to go look for it, their remaining melon uneaten. Meanwhile, Rosco, who actually DOES know where the horse is being kept, brings it some food and leaves. He was followed there by Dunlap and Co., who steal the horse, finally.


Back in town, Enos remarks about the hay that’s in the back of Rosco’s car. He tells Enos about taking hay to where the horse is. Daisy conveniently stops by and chats up Enos, who tells her about where the horse is. She, in turn, tells Bo and Luke, who head that way, only to pass the horse thieves on the road.


They stop and alert anyone who will listen via CB about the situation, when Boss and Rosco show up and arrest Bo and Luke again. The Balladeer pipes up and totally burns Texas, saying, “Getting arrested twice on the same day for the same thing, you kind of get the feeling that you’re in Texas.”


In jail, Luke makes a deal with Boss, saying that they’ll tell them where the real rustlers are, if they let them out. He agrees, and they leave. Cooter alerts the boys that he just serviced a van that looks a lot like the rustlers’ van, AND it once said Dunlap Horse Ranch on it. Luke tells Cooter to meet them somewhere, and tells the Tollivers that everything’s gonna be all right, probably because there’s only 10 minutes left.
After a tussle with Dunlap, they knock him out and take  the horse back, Luke riding it back along a trail, while Bo rigs up a fake horse tail sticking out the back of the trailer and steals it, the rustlers giving chase.

They eventually realize they’ve been took, and head back to try and catch Luke. Despite their best efforts, they don’t. and Luke rides the horse up just in time to register for the big race. Manassas wins the race, and everything turns out okay, except for Lulu. She came down with the gout from eating pig knuckles, and couldn’t be there.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Season 2, Episode 2: “Gold Fever” – Originally Aired 9-28-1979

In which there’s not really any gold at all…

Bo and Luke are high tailing it to catch up with an RV camper, with Uncle Jesse in tow. Jesse’s got a sore tooth, and the RV contains their dentist, who drives it around as his mobile office. This is pretty hard to believe, but apparently, it has happened at least once.


Anyway, Jesse has a cavity, and the doctor is on his way to an appointment elsewhere, so he gives Jesse a bunch of pain pills and says he’ll check it out when he comes back into town. They drive away, and are nearly run off the road by what everyone is calling a limousine, but I’m not convinced.


Everyone gets out of their respective vehicles and whips their dicks out over who caused the accident, but then a guy gets out of the car and calms everyone down by offering to pay for all the damage. His is a Rich Texan, and transporting some mysterious cargo through Hazzard. His goons get all like “wait, what about the cargo?!” something that Bo and Luke would have known nothing about if they hadn’t mentioned it first thing like that. And Uncle Jesse? Well, he’s too high on pain pills to even know what’s going on.


They direct him over to Cooter’s, who tells them that the axle is broken, and they’ll need to stay in town until it’s fixed. The Rich Texan then asks to be shown the bank, where he meets with Boss Hogg, asking to use the bank’s vault for a night, as he needs to store the three million dollars in gold bars he’s brought with him, offering up $25,000 for the trouble. Boss quickly accepts. Before he leaves, the Rich Texan makes Boss sign a promissory note guaranteeing Boss will pay the three million if anything happens to the Rich Texan's money.
Boss wonders why the Dukes, who he refers to as his “sworn enemies,” would do Boss such a mitzvah by sending the Rich Texan his way. He quickly concludes that the Dukes have set up the whole scheme, and are planning on robbing the bank. He sends Rosco to arrest them until the Texans leave town.

Rosco heads over to the Duke farm, and yells at them through a megaphone about how they’re under arrest for running the limo off the road. Jesse pipes up and says he saw the whole thing, and the Texans caused the accident. Now Jesse, we all know you were hopped up on goofballs, you probably didn’t even think they were real.


At the bank, Boss sets up in front of the vault to guard the gold himself until the next morning. The Rich Texan reminds Boss that he offered to take him to lunch, and wants to discuss the possibility of Boss handling all his banking. Boss, smelling potential money, leaves Rosco and Enos to help guard the gold.

Meanwhile, Bo and Luke are running around town via the rooftops, and decide to literally drop in on Cooter, who tells them that the axle had been sawed just about in half, and the accident caused it to snap, i.e., it was on purpose. They take off and head to the Boars Nest, where Boss is wining and dining the Rich Texan. He’s even dressed Daisy in some sort of French maid outfit!



Rosco radios over to Boss and tells him the Dukes got away. Boss is understandably pissed, and tells Rosco to get the fuck back to the bank. The Dukes overhear this, and head toward the bank themselves. Boss and the Texan get to the bank to find the guards knocked out, and the gold gone. Bo and Luke arrive just in time to be shot at by the Texan.



They don’t get shot, and drive away, the police in tow. They get a radio from Uncle Jesse, who tells them to drop in on Cooter, who has some info for them. They do so, again literally, and he telsl them he’s got a list of stolen cars, and the Texan’s car matches one on the list. They look out the door and see the Texan’s goons leaving town, so they follow them to a spot outside of town where they dump the gold.Bo and Luke overhear the goons converse a bunch of exposition to each other about how great their scheme is going, while burying the gold.



Luke figures out that this is all a fraud game to bilk Boss out of three million dollars, while Bo wonders why they’d leave that much gold just laying around. Luke takes a pocketknife to one of the bars and scrapes it, revealing that the gold is just painted lead. They drive back toward town to tell Boss the situation,. Rosco pulls them over and won’t listen to their protests. and arrests them.

At the bank, Boss is freaking the fuck out, as he doesn’t have three million dollars, and the Rich Texan thrusts the promissory note at him, saying it’ll hold up in court, so give him the damn money. Boss asks if $100,000 will do, and the Rich Texan agrees, calling it a down payment.

Outside, everyone meets up, and Rosco hands over the gold bars, causing the Texan and Co. to shoot out the cop car’s tires and run off with the money. Jesse and Daisy pull up and everyone gives chase to the the swindlers.


The swindlers shoot out Daisy’s car tires, and just then, the dentist drives by in his RV. They commandeer it, and use his sterilizing alcohol to fashion Molotov cocktails, eventually hitting the swindlers’ car with it.


So the Rich Texan and friends get arrested, and Boss is so grateful, he offers to pay all of Jesse’s dental bills. They take him up on it, and get a bunch of non-cavity related work done, including some gold inlays.


Sunday, September 15, 2013

Season 2, Episode 1: “Days of Shine and Roses” – Originally Aired 9-21-1979

In which Uncle Jesse races Boss Hogg to determine the best ridge runner of them all…

Welcome back for Season 2, those of you that are returning, and hello to any new readers!
After a new shot of the Balladeer’s guitar (it’s now Waylon Jenning’s signature Telecaster instead of an acoustic), we see that both Cooter and Enos have been added as full time cast members, with their names in the theme song and everything! So, now we’re guaranteed more of Cooter’s “helping” and Enos’s “ogling Daisy.” Yay?


The Boars Nest is closed for a private function this evening, for the Annual Ridgerunner’s Reunion. where all the retired moonshiners and friends get together to drink, eat, and reminisce about when they used to break the law for fun and profit. They’re watching a  filmstrip of young Jesse and Boss racing to outrun the Sheriff of Hatchapee County, Emmitt “Spike” Loomis, so called because he liked to take a railroad spike and use it to tear apart the cars of moonshiners.


After the film, Bo loudly boasts that Uncle Jesse is “the best moonshine runner in the world.” Boss and Rosco disagree, saying Boss was better. Bo makes the spurious claim again, saying “everyone knows it’s true.” Luke tells him to shut the fuck up, but then Boss and Jesse get into it, and decide to have one last run to determine who is really the best, once and for all.


We then meet Sheriff Loomis, who is apparently still Sheriff-ing, despite being in the filmstrip from what appears to be the 40s; that’d make this guy at least in his 70s. Maybe things are different in rural Southern areas? Anyway, he’s apparently still spiking things up

Boss and Jesse and the boys meet up at Cooter’s garage to discuss the terms of the race. THe route is agreed upon, as well as the cargo, the standard 10 gallons of moonshine. Jesse protests and mentions the boys’ probation, so they change it to water instead. JEsse laments that he doesn’t have his car, the original Black Tillie, so Cooter offers him a beat up Mustang that has a super fine engine. He takes it, calling it Black Tillie II.


Boss decides to cheat in the race, and has Rosco sneak over and pour something into the gas tank of Black Tillie II. The next day, Jesse is practicing his moves, when the car stalls out. Luke makes Cooter promise to fix it.He does so, and shows off by tearing through the Boar’s Nest parking lot. Boss sees this and decides to replace the jugs of water in Jesse’s car with real moonshine, and then he calls over to Hatchapee County (using a ridiculous falsetto) and tells Loomis that Jesse will be making a moonshine run through his county on the day of the race, winning him the race, and getting the Dukes out of his hair forever. Loomis is PISSED.


Daisy overhears Boss and Rosco discussing their other plan, to have Rosco run interference incognito against Jesse during the race. You would think by now they’d know not to discuss their plans at the Boars Nest, where Daisy works. They weren’t even being quiet about it, either. So, obviously, she goes home and tells the boys, who agree to interfere with the interference.

The next day, while everyone is inside having a pre-race drink, Rosco and some thugs switch out the jugs for moonshine, and then the race begins. Rosco calls Loomis to let him know the race has started, and Bo and Luke trail the race to stop Rosco’s plan. Back at the bar, Cooter hears the thugs gloating about the plan. Jesus, what’s with people on this show just blurting out their evil schemes? Anyway, he tells Daisy and they go out back to check if they really were switched with water.


Rosco puts up a detour sign, and Jesse follows it, sending him off course. The boys grab the sign and race ahead of Jesse, jumping the car for no reason in the process, nearly tipping it upon landing. Luke gets out and places the sign so Jesse will get back on track.


Bo and Luke get a CB notice from Cooter and Daisy about the moonshine in Jesse’s trunk, and JEsse and Boss overhear, because it’s a CB radio. Luke catches up to Jesse and dives onto Black Tillie II, grabbing the moonshine and smashing it on the road. Cooter pulls up beside and hands the water over, so Jesse is clear.


Jesse and Boss both make it to Loomis’ roadblock, but then just smash through it and keep going. Jeez, this guy was like the Darth Maul of Dukes villains. He certainly seemed badass, but in the end didn’t do much of anything. Loomis didn’t get cut in half, though.


So Jesse wins the race, and everyone celebrates. Way to make your season premiere super light on story there, writers.

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Apologies

Due to poorer than usual time management this past week, coupled with the fact that I’m out of town celebrating my wife’s birthday, today’s post will be delayed until late tonight or early tomorrow. My sincere apologies for the delay.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

“Boss O’Hogg and the Little People”

For my between season special surprise, I’ve decided to review a random episode of “The Dukes,” Warner Bros’ attempt to turn the popular series into a Saturday morning hit. The intro lets Uncle Jesse tell the plot: The boys and Daisy are competing with Boss Hogg and Rosco in a race around the world in the General Lee and Boss Hogg’s Cadillac, both of which can fly and do other crazy cartoon things. The winner gets some prize money and the deed to the Duke farm, which must be the most desirable plot of land ever, because Boss wants it bad.
For today’s selection, I’ll be taking a look at the second season premiere, “Boss O’Hogg and the Little People, from September 17, 1983..


We open with Uncle Jesse doing some actual farming, when some raccoon runs up, brandishing a letter from the kids. Turns out this raccoon is named Smokey, and he’s Uncle Jesse’s pet. Jesse regales the raccoon with the details of their last stop, in Ireland.



I was really hoping the entire episode was just Jesse reading, and then Smokey reacting to what he’s heard, but alas, this was not to be.

Boss and Rosco are driving along, Rosco making weird stuttering noises that makes me think he’s having a stroke, and Boss saying stereotypical Southern things like “Fatback in a frying pan!” Rosco gloats about having flattened the General Lee’s tires (or tyres, as it’d be spelled in Ireland, or so I assume), so they’ll be far behind the Cadillac.  , but no! They’re right behind, driving without haste, not caring that their home is at stake!


The General gets ahead, and Boss explains his plot of reporting the General Lee stolen to the Irish police, and reveals he’s stolen the title to the car, so when the Dukes get pulled over, they’ll be arrested! That Boss!


So the Dukes get arrested, and are told they will have to spend the night in jail. They are shocked, SHOCKED! Boss and Rosco come across the leprechauns, and capture one, making him reveal where his pot of gold is located.
The Dukes get out of jail, and head toward wherever it is they’re supposed to be going. I’m assuming it’s like an Amazing Race situation, where they have to collect clues wherever they stop so they can move on to the next area. Meanwhile, the leprechaun takes Boss and Rosco to a forested area, showing them where his gold is.


Rosco makes to let the leprechaun go, as he’s given his gold. Boss Hogg says “Hold the fuck on, Rosco! This guy’s gotta know where all his friends’ gold is! Let’s make him take us to it!”


The Dukes are driving along, and swerve to avoid hitting a cart of leprechauns, tipping the General Lee over in the process. The leprechauns help them pull it back up, and ask them for a ride. The leprechauns fill them in on the Boss Hogg situation, and the Dukes agree to help.


Boss makes the leprechaun he captured haul out a bunch more gold until he tricks them into pulling out a nest of bees, causing them to flee. They are eventually captured by more leprechauns, who decide to take Boss and Rosco to the Grand Wizard, who’ll sort all this out.

The Grand Wizard wants to turn Boss into a warthog, but the Dukes convince him to just make Boss give them all his money. He reluctantly agrees, because the episode is almost over.


Back in Hazzard, Jesse finishes the letter, and tells Smokey the lesson of the day: if you take something that’s not yours, you can get into trouble. Smokey, having learned his lesson, gives Uncle Jesse back a can of peanuts he’d stolen. Jesse let him have some anyway.