Sunday, July 28, 2013

Season 1, Episode 8: “The Big Heist” – Originally Aired 3-30-1979

In which the Dukes pull off a non-robbery…

First off, I want to apologize for the lateness of this post. I’ll try not to make a habit of it.

We open with a car parking in front of the Hazzard County courthouse. A guy gets out and starts trimming the hedges, looking nervous while doing so. Rosco pulls up to the sign near this guy’s car and removes a piece of tape from it, revealing that the “Parking” sign was really a “No Parking sign  all along!
Hedgeman dons a ski mask and rushes into Boss’ office, where he’s counting out illegal moonshine money. He demands Boss fill a sack with the money and runs off, only to find his car has been towed. Panicking, he jumps into a passing General Lee, which Boss sees, and thus assumes the robber was Bo, as Luke is driving. Boss tells Rosco to arrest the Dukes, because of course he does.
The robber kicks Bo and Luke out of the General Lee and is quickly pursued by a police car, so he pulls into the Boar’s Nest and quickly stashes the money in the back of what turns out to be Uncle Jesse’s truck. Inside, the Robber, whose name turns out to be Neil Bishop, meets Daisy, and it’s implied that they want to fuck each other.
Meanwhile, Rosco comes upon Bo and Luke and demands to know where the money and car are. They tell him about Neil, but of course he refuses to believe them, so they run away. Bo says he knows a shortcut, and they run down the side of a riverbed, only to be foiled by Rosco standing on the bridge that runs over said river. He then arrests them.

Rosco stops for gas and is accosted by a kid holding a very real looking water pistol. Bo and Luke play along with him and convince Rosco this kid is a midget and part of their gang. They use this opportunity to run off, and Rosco gets a face full of water for his troubles.

Bo and Luke stop by the Boar’s Nest in an attempt to take Daisy’s car, but she tells them she drove Jesse’s truck. They take it, and tell her to have Jesse meet them at one of their old still sites. Inside, Neil looks pretty upset at his money driving off, and schemes Daisy into letting him stay at the farm for the night.

The boys get to the still site and tell Jesse what’s going on, he ad vises them that there’s no evidence, and thus no case. Rosco, Enos, and Boss conveniently appear and say they DO have evidence, namely some stray bills and the ski mask Neil had left in the General Lee. So, they arrest the boys, and Uncle Jesse says, and I quote, “I’ll be down to see you as soon as I finish my chores!” What the hell? Your nephews are being falsely arrested and you’ve gotta finish some shit up? Priorities, man!

Jesse, Daisy, and Neil arrive at the farm. Daisy is freaking out about the boys being falsely arrested, saying she’s going to get her bow and arrows to do some country vengeance. I don’t get that, she’s not on probation, she can go in with guns blazing if she wants to! Jesse tells her to calm the fuck down, he’s got shit under control.

Neil is introduced to Uncle Jesse, who agrees to let him stay in the boys’ room, as they’re in jail and all. Meanwhile, Neil is eyeing up the back of the truck with the sack of money in it, and offers to unload the truck for Jesse so he can get over to the jail faster. This is apparently not suspicious at all! Jesse gets to the jail just in time for another exciting episode of Jesse Duke: Back-Porch Lawyer! He and the boys determine that Neil is the guy that pulled off the robbery! The complete stranger who rolled into town and gained all of the main characters’ trust turned out to be the villain? Now I’ve seen everything! Uncle Jesse then rushes out to warn Daisy.

Bo calls Enos over and tells Enos that they’re ready to confess. He takes them into an office and sits down to type up their confession, and somehow (the scene cuts away to some bullshit between Neil and Daisy that’s not worth mentioning) they end up cuffing him to a chair, rag tied in his mouth, shoved into a corner. They then leave before things go in an unsettling direction.

At the farm, Neil grabs the money and tries to make his escape, but Daisy has figured out the ruse, and threatens him with a shotgun. He grabs it when Jesse gets home and ushers them into the house. Meanwhile, Rosco and Boss look for Enos, and they can’t find him, despite being in the same room. They don’t even look behind the door, and he, for some reason, doesn’t even try and make a noise.

Bo and Luke get to the farm, and are corralled into the living room with the rest of the family, where Neil explains that he’s no thief, Boss is! He only robbed Boss because he was sold some faulty goods, and didn’t have time to count the money, so he just took it all. The Dukes believe him, and, once Neil reveals that it’s illegal money, decide to call in their old revenuer friend, Harvey Essex. Why they don’t call Huntley back in is unexplained, maybe she got the fuck out after her embarrassing adventures in Episode 5.

So they hatch a plan to have Bo re-rob Boss, and Luke has the revenuer stand outside to catch Boss when he comes outside yelling about his liquor money being stolen. They do so, and there’s this ridiculous scene where the General Lee is driving around on its passenger-side wheels, which just looks like it’s really bad for the car. I can’t imagine that there’s any sort of practical use. Bo gives Boss the money sack back so he will have it when he runs outside.

So Boss runs out and is busted. The Dukes and Neil celebrate, and give Neil their reward money. Bo mentions that they forgot about Enos, who by my count has been tied up for about 2 days. Then they laugh about it, not caring that their friend is probably dead, and drenched in his own waste.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Season 1, Episode 7: “Luke’s Love Story” – Originally Aired 3-16-1979

In which a girl enters a derby, and Luke falls in love…

At the Boar’s Nest, the Balladeer tells us about the Annual Hazzard Obstacle Derby, a super dirty, super illegal race, but not so illegal that it doesn’t have the full sponsorship of the police force and county commissioner.

Cooter bursts through the door on a motorcycle, wearing his beloved “Dukes of Hazzard Crew” jacket, and looking like an honest-to-goodness crazy person.
He’s arrived with the race’s trophy in tow, which means that Rosco can announce the lineup for the race, but first he tells Cooter to get the goddamned motorcycle out of the bar; Cooter responds by basically throwing the bike outside.
Rosco finally get around to announcing the racers: Enos, Cooter, Luke, and Amy Creavy, a girl! Many a joke is made about how girls can’t race, and Luke introduces himself. They are then introduced to Frankie, Amy’s mechanic, who is also female, and in possession of a pretty hilarious voice: she talks like she’s got a wad of phlegm the size of a baseball lodged in her head.
Daisy offers the women a drink on the house, and then we see a couple of guys leering at them from over in the corner. They’re Turk Foley and his pal, who I’m going to call J.D.
Turk wanders over and tries to get Amy to come talk to him, dragging her off. Luke intervenes, and gets a punch in the face for his troubles. Boss and Rosco sit and watch the fight for a minute, and then Boss reluctantly tells Rosco to break it up. Turns out Turk used to be Amy’s mechanic, but she fired him for putting nitrous oxide in her engine and because he wouldn’t accept Amy’s romantic rejections.

Boss tells Rosco that he needs to win the race at any cost, and when Rosco asks why, Boss reveals that his mother’s ashes are sealed inside the trophy, and thus needs to get the trophy back permanently (the trophy is yours to keep if you win in four times, not three, as Boss had assumed). He tells Rosco to make sure he does.
Daisy has offered to let Amy and Frankie stay with the Dukes, as the local hotel is full. Bo and Luke find out about this by getting undressed for bed and the girls pop up out of their beds. Daisy says she left a note in the bathroom, but Bo says he was too busy shitting to read a note.

The next morning, Bo and Frankie head into town, leaving Luke and Amy to make out and talk about crankshafts or something. Bo stops by the garage and finds Turk messing around under the hood of Amy's car, which is stored at the garage for some reason. Turk and J.D. beat up Bo until he throws a ton of oil at them until they run off. Rosco appears and Bo explains what was going on, and Rosco tells Bo to stop harassing the tourists.
Frankie comes in and sees Bo poking around to see what Turk did, and accuses him of sabotage. He gets all pissed and bets her $50 that Amy won’t even finish the race. She one ups him and proposes  putting The General Lee up against their car, Lucifer, winner takes the loser’s car. He agrees. Some time later, he goes to talk to Uncle Jesse about it, as he is feeling terribly guilty about the whole thing, as General Lee is only half his, the other half belongs to Luke. After a long talk, he advises Bo to call off the bet.

Meanwhile, Luke tries to convince Amy to back out of the race, as the guys in the race play dirty, and she tells him to back off, she’ll be fine. He continues to protest, so she takes him for a drive in Lucifer to show him how capable she is. They drive, and everything goes fine until her brakes give out, and they nearly go over a cliff before narrowly swerving off to the side. Luke discovers that Turk has poked the brake lines full of holes. She tells Luke she still won’t quit, and then it’s implied they fuck in or around the car.

At the Boar’s Nest, Bo tries to call off the bet, but Frankie won’t let him. Seems like this is just a verbal thing, and, as he doesn’t really own the car, she can’t really hold him to it, but he lets the bet remain on instead of telling her to go to hell. Luke and Amy talk over their relationship, Luke stating that he wants to get serious, but that he still wants to be free to fuck whoever he wants. She rightfully tells him to go fuck himself, and leaves with some random guy.

Daisy collects cigarette butts in a a pail, and after a scuffle, the racing trophy ends up spilled into the pail full of ashes. Boss Hogg is understandably upset.

That night, Luke has a long talk with Uncle Jesse about the Amy situation, and he eventually is convinced to give up his man-whore ways. The next morning, he tells Amy about it, but quickly admits that it’d never work, as once you’re a pussy hound, you’re a pussy hound all the way. She breaks it off with him, again, and storms outside, where Frankie reveals Bo’s stupid “bet the General Lee” plan.

During the race, it’s revealed that Turk had knocked Cooter out and is racing in his car, trying to  take out Amy. Luke comes to her aid when he sees that it’s Turk instead of Cooter, and Amy wins the race. Frankie demands the keys to General Lee,. and Bo explains to Luke about the bet. Rosco arrests Turk, and Luke tells Amy that he let her win. She’s mad and lets Luke take her trophy, saying she’ll come back and win it fair next year. Frankie gives Bo the keys back, and Luke keeps the trophy on the mantle as a reminder of how getting his dick wet cost him the love of a woman.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Season 1, Episode 6: “Swamp Molly”–Originally Aired 3-9-1979

In which the Dukes get an ice cream truck, and the mystery of the house’s plumbing is solved…

Before we get going properly, I’d like to point out that this is the episode where filming moved from on location rural Georgia to Burbank, California. From now on, it will be perpetually summer, and always daytime.
Bo and Luke are practicing archery by shooting at the outhouse door, which lends credence to my whole “they don’t have indoor plumbing” theory. Bo accidentally fires a live dynamite arrow, blowing up the outhouse. Luke throws a fit about Bo destroying his car magazines, and is interrupted by the arrival of Swamp Molly, an old friend of Uncle Jesse’s.

Luke says she only comes around when she wants something, and Jesse tells him to shut it, as Molly saved him from the Feds some 43 years prior. Molly’s cousin, Alice, has also arrived, and starts making advances toward Bo, which he narrowly avoids. Molly offers up a green tomato pie to Jesse, and he tells her that Bo and Luke are on probation, and so she can back the fuck off whatever scheme she has in mind. She tells him “Fine, asshole, I’ll just take my pie back, then!” Only when faced with the loss of pie does Jesse decide that the boys’ risking probation is perfectly acceptable, and lets them stay.

Meanwhile, Rosco and Enos are staking out the Duke farm, as they are keen to stop Swamp Molly before she really gets going, as apparently she was quite the scofflaw in her time. Boss Hogg is busy learning disco dance steps at the behest of his wife, Lulu. Rosco has even bought some ridiculous Army-surplus walkie talkies. He uses them throughout the episode, despite everyone nearly always near a CB radio.

Molly spins a sob story to the Dukes and plays her “Saved Jesse from the Feds” card. Jesse goes along with it, and she explains that she wants to make one last run, delivering prime moonshine. She wants the boys to go get the truck that it’s going to be in, and drive it to the rendezvous point.  Jesse doesn’t really put up much of an argument.
At the Boar’s Nest, Daisy makes the very sensible suggestion that she be the one to get the truck, as she’s not on probation. Luke says Jesse would never allow it. Daisy asks why they don’t transfer it to another truck, and they tell her Molly has the truck locked up so they can’t. Luke suggests they take the truck to Cooter and have him paint it up, so they can make the run in front of the cops. Bo and Luke take the truck to Cooter to have him paint it, and he gets super excited about the opportunity. Apparently Cooter harbors some artistic notions.

Enos trails the Dukes,and sees nothing out of the ordinary. However, Bo and Daisy are running a blind so Luke can drive the truck to the swamp, which is now painted like an ice cream truck.

Back at the farm, Molly sends Cousin Alice to gather some crawfish so she can make Jesse some of her famous crawfish stew. Alice asks what happens if someone tries to assault her virtue, and Jesse gives this weird look like “Yeah right, like that’ll happen,” but suggests he  accompany her, which leads to the first appearance of Jesse’s  trademark red hat! Molly signals to Alice to keep Jesse occupied until 4’oclock, and they depart. 
Luke comes up upon a roadblock that Rosco has had built, and Enos attempts to order some ice cream. At least I think it’s ice cream. He refers to it as “double peanut dooley,” which is not an ice cream I’ve ever heard of; maybe it’s a Southern thing? According to a quick Google search, there’s no such thing. I suppose he could be ordering “double peanut doody” which is pretty disgusting.

Anyway, Enos sees that the ice cream guy is Luke, and alerts Rosco. Bo blows up the roadblock with a dynamite arrow, and drives through, Luke trailing him. A ways up the road, Rosco pulls them over and cuts the chain on the truck door,  revealing not moonshine, but guns. Guns AND ammo!

The boys are as  shocked as Rosco, but he doesn’t believe them, and why should he? He makes to arrest them, when Daisy drives by, throwing firecrackers, and Enos gives chase. She pulls her “drive around in a circle for several minutes” stunt that she did in the pilot, but this time, she spills oil out of the back of the truck she’s driving for some reason. It really doesn’t help her or hinder Enos in any way. I’m gonna have to send Iron Eyes and Woodsy after her.

Rosco tells Boss about the gun situation, and mentions he’s alerted the FBI. Boss throws a fit, as he could make a tidy profit selling all those guns on the black market. He tells Rosco to send the FBI packing. He very easily convinces them that he was hallucinating, makes some references to seeing a UFO, and they leave. I’m not sure why this part was even in the episode, it’s nothing more than five minutes of filler.
In the swamp, Jesse and Cousin Alice catch some crawfish, and Alice tries to stall Jesse, as it’s not four o’clock yet. Bo and Luke meet with Molly to ask what the fuck the deal was with the guns, and that they’re not going to deliver the goods, what with Rosco trying to arrest them and all. She tells them that if they don’t cooperate, they’ll never see Jesse again, as she has him at her house in the swamp, which is impenetrable.

Jesse, who is perfectly unaware, continues fishing with Alice, and to stall him further, she throws the outboard motor off the boat into the lake.

They eventually paddle to land and head back, meeting with everyone on the road (again, phony kidnapping plot came and went in five minutes. God, so much filler). Bo and Luke have retrieved the truck, thinking that’s what they have to do to get Uncle Jesse back. Guess not!

Jesse comes up with the idea of sinking the truck in a lake, one that has quicksand at the bottom, so no one would ever be able to get it(?) thus getting the boys off scot-free. Everyone helps push it into the lake, as Luke had shot out the tire with a dud dynamite arrow. Rosco arrives and hits the truck, causing it to fly into the lake. Bo swims to shore, and Rosco tries to arrest him, but the truck is sinking, so everyone gets to go home, because this is the last five minutes of the episode.

Everyone goes back to the farm, where Molly and Alice cook the Dukes a feast by way of an apology. Jesse asks Bo and Luke about rebuilding the outhouse, and Bo asks why they have to do it at all, as they only use it for target practice. Luke pipes up and says they’ve had indoor plumbing for twenty years. TWENTY. Jesse says that there’s something to be said about preserving the family heritage. This does not explain why the revenuer had to take a bath in their kitchen, however. I  leave this mystery to better crime solvers than me.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Season 1, Episode 5: “High Octane” – Originally Aired 2-23-1979

In which the Dukes attempt to solve the 1970s energy crisis, and very nearly succeed…

Bo and Luke arrive at the courthouse, meeting Uncle Jesse, as they are late for their quarterly probation meeting. On the way in, Luke notices a poster for a contest offering a $20,000 prize if you can come up with an alternative to fossil fuel. Bo suggests that they enter, and Luke’s all like “screw you, Bo, we can’t come up with anything, especially you! Dingus.”

When they get upstairs, they are informed that their usual officer, Agent Roach, has been promoted out of Hazzard, and that Roxanne Huntley has taken his place. She’s a real no-nonsense sort, and is shocked to learn that the ATF has made a deal with the Dukes: if they all stopped making moonshine, the boys would get probation. This seems fairly simplistic:
BO AND LUKE: Oh please, mister revenuer, we PROMISE to stop making ‘shine! Don’t send us off to prison!
REVENUER: Ohhh, I suppose so! But you’ll be getting a harsh probation! No firearms, OR leaving the county! Now run along before I change my mind!
Anyway, Agent Huntley says she never would have made the deal, and the Dukes leave. Rosco comes in and discusses with Agent Huntley that he can’t believe the Dukes are not making moonshine any more, but Huntley wants to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Outside, Jesse comes upon Cooter, fixing the General Lee’s taillight while wearing a coat that is covered in autographs, which is really strange, but no one mentions it.
Rosco and Agent Huntley (you know what, screw it, I’m just gonna call her Huntley from here on out) see that Bo has bought a rather large amount of copper tubing. Rosco seems certain that it’s for hooking up to a still, but again, Huntley remains unconvinced. He goes on about it some more, and she finally gets suspicious.

At the Boar’s Nest, which apparently has a gas station in front of it, Uncle Jesse gets so pissed that he’s limited to 3 gallons of gas due to the shortage that he threatens to beat the ass of the poor pump jockey. Calm down, old man, everyone’s gotta cut back in these trying times of the late 1970s.
Boss Hogg comes out and reminisces with Jesse about the time back in the day when they ran out of gas on a moonshine run, and out of desperation, put some of Jesse’s famous moonshine in the gas tank, and the car ran on it. Boss suggests Jesse brew up a batch and enter it in the contest. Jesse says he has no need for $20,000, which is crazy. Boss says he isn’t either, but is more interested in the royalties that they would be paid, Boss saying he’d get a part because it was his idea. Bo and Luke convince Jesse that it’d be for the good of the country, and he relents, but tells Boss to go fuck himself regarding partnership. Jesse and the boys (and Cooter!) go up to the woods and uncover the still.

Rosco hears the Dukes firing up the still, and makes to run and bust them. Boss tells him to back the fuck off and let them make their damn moonshine, but when they go to transport it, then he can bust them, so Boss can take the moonshine and enter it in the contest himself.

After some Cooter-instigated moonshine hijinks, we see a woman walking through the woods, who trips one of their alarms.

They all take turns scaring the crap out of her, and she tells them that she’s just fishing. She smells the smoke from the still and goes to investigate. She bends down and sniffs at the spigot, getting a face full of moonshine fumes, which causes her to pass out. They pull of her wig and glasses, and, surprise, it’s Huntley! Bo gives her CPR, and she wakes up, telling him he’s under arrest. The Balladeer pops up and says “Maybe it’s his technique!” and then there’s a commercial break. When the show returns, Bo restates “I’m under arrest?” and then Luke says “Maybe it’s your technique!” STOP PREDICTING THE FUTURE, WAYLON JENNINGS!
Anyway, she makes to arrest everyone, but Jesse and Cooter have dumped the batch of mash into the river, so there’s no evidence. Seems she should be able to arrest them based on them having a freshly-operated still and paraphernalia (jugs, a crapload of corn and sugar, etc.) but they explain about the fuel contest, and propose a 24 hour truce so they can enter the contest, and if she catches them making it, they’ll go peaceably. They even offer to let her stay with them so she can watch their every move. She reluctantly agrees, and they head off.

Huntley ends up bathing in the Dukes’ kitchen, and wonders how the fuck she got into this situation, and I wonder why they haven’t put indoor plumbing in that house yet. Daisy tells her not to worry about it, and explains that the Dukes always get along great with whatever revenuer assigned to the area. They don’t feel like they should be assholes to someone just for trying to bust them; they’re just doing their job, after all.

Bo takes Huntley out dancing (called “juking” in the episode, but that’s stupid) and gets her drunk on moonshine, so Uncle Jesse and Cooter can slip off to make a batch of moonshine undisturbed. Enos gets a huge boner for Huntley, and says that if Luke hooks him up, he’ll reveal Boss Hogg’s plan to arrest the Dukes for transporting moonshine. Luke agrees, and Enos spills.

Next morning, Bo and Luke help Jesse get his old shine-running car, Sweet Tillie, out of storage, and he reveals that he’s going to make the run himself, knowing Rosco will spot the car immediately. Luke asks how Jesse is going to hide the shine, and is told that it’s quite a trick. Bo and Luke are loading full jugs into the General Lee when Huntley appears, none worse for the wear after passing out the night before.

Rosco and Enos are waiting to make the bust when the boys drive up with Huntley in tow. He tries to bust them, but Huntley informs him it’s a federal arrest, and points her gun at him. He gets all pissed and takes her gun away and places them all under arrest, thinking that she's in cahoots with the Dukes. Enos drives off with them, and Rosco grabs two jugs from the General’s trunk, taking them to Boss, who is conveniently parked on the other side of the tree line.

At the jail, Enos puts Huntley into a cell, and Bo smashes a jug of moonshine to the floor and lights a match, meaning to throw it into the puddle on the floor, lighting the whole place on fire. (Collateral Damage Plan in Effect!) Then they lock Enos and Huntley into the cell, and Huntley says “what about our deal, assholes? If I arrested your fair and square, you’d go peaceably!” In response, Bo drops the match, making Enos and Huntley shit their pants in fear. Turns out that she arrested Bo and Luke for transporting water, and then she figures out that they were running a front for Jesse to run the actual shine to the contest. Bo and Luke steal Enos’ car and take off.

Rosco pulls over  Sweet Tillie and proceeds to tear it apart while Jesse stands there calmly. Bo and Luke are passed through the road block as they are driving a police car. Rosco can’t find anything in the car, and Jesse demands the car be put back together or he will sue the county. Hey, if he wins, he can install indoor plumbing at the farm! Rosco relents and has the cops put the car back together.
Boss arrives at the contest, jugs in hand, and waits his turn. We see a guy claiming to have made a way an engine can run on horse manure, and proceeds to explode the damn thing, presumably sending horse shit particles everywhere.

Boss has his assistant fill the engine up and starts it, and it doesn’t do anything, as it turns out to be full of water. Jesse arrives, with the REAL moonshine, and fills an engine up, and it runs! The judge is amazed, and even drinks some.

Huntley bursts in and tries to arrest the Dukes and confiscate the whiskey, but the judge isn’t having any of it. Jesse asks for his prize money, and is informed that there is still feasibility testing to be done to see if it’s viable. He gets super pissed off and just walks out, forever dooming his family to pooping outside and bathing in the kitchen.

Boss sends Rosco after them to arrest them for transporting moonshine in the gas tank of the car, and a chase ensues. They continue until Jesse’s car runs out of fuel, and thus, evidence. Huntley sniffs the gas tank and passes out, never to be seen after this. I guess the government didn’t find it feasible to use moonshine as fuel, because we never hear about the contest results.