Friday, June 21, 2013

Season 1, Episode 3: "Mary Kaye's Baby" -- Originally Aired 02-09-1979

In which the boys accidentally transport moonshine, a pregnant woman steals some money, and not a whole lot else happens...

We open on a blue sedan being chased by the police, and surprise, Bo and Luke are driving it, because god forbid they go one day without risking their probation. Bo almost runs down a horse cart, and they narrowly avoid Rosco. Boss calls Rosco on the C.B. and tells him to get his ass to the Boar's Nest, and then yells at Rosco for using C.B. lingo, despite, you know, calling him on one and all.

Rosco turns the chase over to Enos, who does an admirable job of trying to keep up, matching them jump for jump. Luke discovers moonshine in the backseat, and then this weird thing happens where the Balladeer says "Moonshine," Luke says "Moonshine," and then the Balladeer says "Moonshine" again.
So, what was it called again?
Luke starts throwing the jugs out the window where they smash open on the road. They drive over a bridge where a guy is camping on the riverbank. A jug gets tossed out, and scares the crap out of the guy when it lands and explodes in his firepit. He is soothed when he discovers an un-exploded bottle that landed near him in the river.

Luke flaunts the law yet again, throwing empty cardboard boxes out the window. That Crying Indian guy would be furious, and then sic that owl on him. I would totally watch a show where that happened. Alas, this is not that show.
They will cut you.
Turns out the car belongs to Cooter, who was supposed to be running the shine himself. Some friend he is! The boys come upon Mary Kaye Porter, who's been away from Hazzard for about nine months, as she is very pregnant. They pick her up and continue fleeing Enos. At the Boar's Nest, we learn that Boss is the one who hired Cooter to run the moonshine. Rosco tells him the Dukes have it, and Boss tells Rosco to arrest them.

The Dukes pull over and Mary Kaye tells them that no matter the circumstances, she's glad to be having a kid, as that kid could be president some day.

They stop at a gas station and decide they have to help her out, by giving her all the money they have, deciding to hide it in her suitcase. Opening it, they find that it has a ton of money in it already: $118,254.37, to be precise.
I'm pretty sure this is just play money,
Mary Kaye says she stole all that money from a gangster named McQuade, to raise her future kid with; breaking down the math before scarfing down pickled peaches (ew!) right there in the store, which apparently you can do in Hazzard. You know, now that I'm thinking about it, nobody paid for those peaches. She just cracked open the jar and started chowing down. Anyway, she tells how her boyfriend was arrested and McQuade didn't offer to help, so she took the money and ran. Luke is all "Well, you're fucked. He's gonna kill you and eat your baby!" She tells him to mind his business, and goes to take her leave of them, when she goes into labor.

Daisy and Uncle Jesse see Rosco pulling up tp the farm and put on this ridiculous audio drama about the boys being arrested for running moonshine, so Rosco thinks they're all in there. He rushes in, and Daisy says that they were "reminiscing about when the boys got caught moonshining two years ago." Isn't reminiscing a fond recollection? So, she was GLAD they were going away to prison? WTF, Daisy? Rosco sits down and decides to wait for Bo and Luke to return, revealing that there is also moonshine in the trunk. The phone rings, it's Cooter, asking where the boys are. Jesse makes a comment that makes Rosco think that the boys are with Cooter, and he runs off to nab them. God, this show drags in the middle of the episodes, every time. It's like they pitched an hour show and only came up with half an hour's worth of actual story, so they have to put in fifteen minutes worth of filler. I wonder if I should try and edit an episode down to the essentials and see what the run time ends up being.

The boys and Mary Kaye stall out on the road, and McQuade catches up to them. His goon makes to shoot Mary Kaye, and Bo manages to speed away, smashing off one of McQuade's car doors in the process.
McQuade gives chase, and a desperate Bo reaches back to throw the suitcase full of money out, and Mary Kaye bites Bo's fucking arm. He wisely leaves the suitcase be.
Being pregnant certainly gives strange cravings.
The boys and Mary Kaye get to the farm, where Jesse determines that her baby's birth is emminent. He proceeds to birth the baby, having learned from his mom, the "best midwife in Hazzard County."
Jesse's mom?
Apparently midwifing in Hazzard involves getting the mom-to-be drunk, as Jesse pulls out a jar of moonshine that he has stashed. He makes her drink some and then washes his hands with it, followed by feeling her forehead , thus negating any sterilzation washing his hands accomplished.

McQuade and Goon arrive at the farm and immediately ambush Luke, who gets away by smashing a chicken egg in Goon's face! Don't worry Goon, you'll get him next time! The baby is born amidst the chaos. McQuade and Goon shoot up Cooter's car, causing moonshine to leak out. Jesse orders Bo and Luke to take on the crooks with bow and arrows, which seems like poor advice. There's a tense bit of cat and mouse, McQaude and Goon doing their best to look scared of the arrows. Boss Hogg pulls up and gives McQaude a lecture in the middle of the fight about how all the illegal shit Boss does never got anyone killed, but he won't stand for guns in his county, no sir!
It comes on after Polluter Payback!
Mary Kaye says she'd gladly give the money back, but can't remember where it was. Daisy says the money belongs to the baby now, so Mary Kaye can't give it away, as it's not hers. Technically, that's not true, it's still McQuades. but whatever she needs to tell herself to justify the theft. Meanwhile, Jesse makes dynamite arrows, which means something's getting destroyed.

The cops show up and exchange gunfire with Goon, who gets shot in the foot. Luke gets into a Mexican standoff with the McQuade and then the cops and Bo rush the scene, allowing Luke to blow up the car, moonshine and all. Bo says "Aw fuck, the money was in the car!" so everyone leaves. Daisy reveals that she had taken the money from the car without telling anyone, so the baby keeps the money.

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